Monster Burger Dwarfed By Behemoth Bunloafa.

Too big for a bun. Too small for a loaf.

Meet the bunloafa.

Usage: The bunloafa that came out the human’s bread maker made his 15.2 ounce-burger look like a meatball. (See "Buns Should Fit The Meat' in archives for context.)

Buns Should Fit The Meat.

A male human in my immediate family decides to grill hamburgers outside.

He buys onion-toasted buns – eight of them pre-packaged into a 7.5” x 7.5” Cobblestone Mill bag.

Diameter of each bun: four inches.

He seasons the burger and shapes into two large patties. Diameter of each: six inches. Weight of each: 15.2 ounces. But let’s just round it off to a pound.

No way the four-inch onion-toasted buns are going to hold a six-inch burger, much less lettuce, tomato and onion.

So the male human decides to bake his own burger buns in the oven.

He removes his homemade creations at the appointed time.

Not only are the buns big enough for a three-pound burger, but they could accommodate a bottle of beer as well. (See photo.)

Still, let’s give it a go. Grill is heatin’ up….

About Time For Cooler Weather.

You caught me. I am so glad to say goodbye to September, aren't you? A cool dirt floor feels good.

HQ Cat

Somebody Please Bring Me A St. Pauli Girl.

Well, this is a first. If a grocery-store clerk doesn’t drink alcohol, don’t expect him to be familiar with beer brands or to even know where the beer aisle is.

Last week HQ Cat watched as a customer at the checkout waited for a clerk to bring out a 12-pack of St. Pauli Girl. As instructed by the cashier, the clerk was to first check the beer aisle just in case the potentially stupid beer customer overlooked seeing it (you never know when a beer drinker might mistake a Bud Light for a St. Pauli Girl).

Anyway, if the shelf was officially proven to be bare, the clerk was to traipse back to the stockroom and find the St. Pauli Girl.

HQ Cat supposes the clerk decided to first search behind the piled bags of Tidy Cat, because a long time went by.

Meanwhile, the customer, clearly irate, asked the cashier why it was taking so long.

“Well, sir, you have to understand,” the cashier replied, rolling her eyes and making sure the next customer in line wasn't stuffing her melting frozen burrito behind the Burt’s Bees Lip Balm.

“Our clerk doesn’t drink, so he doesn’t know where the beer is.”

Oh, so that’s the hold-up.

Thank the dear Lord the clerk wasn’t a lactose-intolerant snack-food junkie menopausal vegetarian, because he would have never found Tom and Jerry, Little Debbie, Tampax Pearl or the Johnsonville Brats.

Somebody please bring HQ a St. Pauli.

A Crazy Brand Dream Starring NatGeo, O, G, Tag, Ore-Ida, DQ, SEO and the Y.

Last night I had this crazy dream that I lived in the Land of Abbreviations, Acronyms and Portmanteaus (LAAP). I poured myself a glass of G, turned on some Lady A and read an issue of O. I worked out at the Y and washed my BMW. I ate at KFC, watched NatGeo and then switched to Syfy. I ironed my DKNY blouses and rode my Hog (making sure I wore my Tag so I wouldn’t forget the time).

I learned that GEICO wasn’t the name of a gecko but instead stood for Government Employment Insurance Company. (As my gecko-eating alter ego will tell you, this really blew my other mind and I will never ever look at GEICO the same way again.)

I raced by the Shack, the Hut and the Ritz. I left the Citi, dropped in at NPR and whizzed past the NRA.

I confused REO with SEO, which made me wonder why there isn't an SEO Speedwagon.

I even invented my own abbrev: “Ida” for Ore-Ida (Ore-Ida, I know your name is a portmanteau of Oregon and Idaho, but I’d much rather have a friendly conversation with Ida because she’s “All Righta”… maybe you should do a national search for the perfect Ida?).

And then I woke up. Someone in the house said DQ.

Kanes Furniture Store Shakes A Leg When National Competitor Opens Next Door.

Imagine looking out the window of your longtime, family-owned furniture business and seeing the glow of torchieres emanating through the glass of your new neighbor’s massive storefront. That’s what happened when Rooms To Go -- self-proclaimed as America’s No. 1 independent furniture company -- opened this weekend right next door to Kanes of Sarasota, the city’s “oldest fine furniture store” founded in 1950.

Kanes knows a thing or two about Florida-style furniture fashion, finishes and fabric. According to its website, it’s furnished more homes in the area than any other store, plus it continually updates its selections.

On Rooms To Go’s opening day, Kanes predictably ran a newspaper ad in the same section where the giant retailer’s ad appeared.

Only it wasn’t your ordinary sales ad. Instead, Kanes’ headline in big letters read, "WE WELCOME 'ROOMS TO GO' TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD." The ad went on to say, “We always welcome responsible competition to the marketplace. It’s the backbone of good American business.” Readers were then invited to shop Kanes' entire stock of furniture, all specially priced to “celebrate the arrival” of its new neighbor.

HQ applauds Kanes’ smart strategy. The small retailer could have tried to pull the rug out from under Rooms To Go’s feet with a more aggressive message, but instead, it welcomed the furniture giant and reminded readers of Kanes’ newly designed model rooms and vignettes.

Nice job, Kanes. But one thought to put on the table should you decide to run the ad again: Don’t make the “Rooms To Go” name so honkin’ big in your headline. It overshadows your logo big time and makes your ad look like a Rooms To Go ad (which Rooms To Go probably doesn't really mind too much).

Yours very truly,

HQ

Mothers® Car Wax and Mother’s Day.

Just so you know, I posted today's blog entry without researching the Mothers® Car Wax brand.

All I know is that Mothers® has been around forever and that in my opinion, it’s the best car wax on the market.

Ironically, and most unexpectedly, a couple without children decided the family car needed to be waxed today -- on Mother’s Day.

Well, truth be told, it was the husband's idea. His wife thought the car looked just fine.

So I watched and listened. The woman thought the wax smelled good. Her husband didn’t say a word. He just kept polishing.

And when his wife remarked how beautiful the shine was, he said something about carnauba and that it comes from a palm somewhere in Brazil.

Harlequin Cat just thought it was cool that on Mother’s Day a car-wax brand called Mothers® could literally outshine the jewelers and florists of the world.

I wonder if Mothers® ever thought about this. Like I said, I didn’t research the brand.